I recently counselled a client to practice self-forgiveness. They looked at me a little blankly and asked: ‘What does that even mean?’. Fair question. And if I have the audacity to make the suggestion, shouldn’t I first figure out how to do it myself?
What does that mean? Forgiveness - what does that look like? Feel like? Even if we agree that we want it, how do we go about achieving it? Is there a plan, a blueprint for forgiveness? If we ascribe to any particular faith we may find some help: there’s definitely agreement that forgiveness is a state to work towards. But where’s the map that helps us get there?
So two questions: 1) what is self-forgiveness, and 2) how do I achieve it?
Psychology Today says that ‘To forgive is to exercise goodness even toward those who are not good to you.’ Fair enough. The article goes on to list eight practical reasons why we should forgive (take a look - it’s worth a read). So, in terms of what forgiveness IS, this seems pretty straightforward. And I get wanting to forgive someone else. But what if the person you want to forgive is yourself?
‘...to exercise goodness even toward those who are not good to you’. Hmm. If I’ve been wronged by someone it’s typically pretty easy to itemize those wrongs. When the perpetrator and the victim are the same person, this gets a little muddier.
I think we have to first examine the ways we have not been ‘good’ to ourselves. For me, it’s (perhaps paradoxically?) tied to the things I value most in myself. Loyalty. Resilience. The ability to hang in. However, what about loyalty to someone or something not deserving of it? Resilience at the cost of my needs, my wants, myself? Hanging in long after leaving that person or situation would have served me far better?
Upon self-reflection, I see that I am ‘guilty’ of all of these transgressions. These are some of the ways I have not been good to myself. So what do I do about it?
If I’m honest, my inability to forgive myself has gotten in my way. It has kept me stuck: in patterns, in grief, in the same place. To me forgiveness feels like a choice to let go. I actually envision my fists relaxing and opening. Holding on is required for anger and resentment, even for grief - and depending on the wounding, this ‘holding’ might feel more natural. However, just because it’s familiar doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right.
The thing is, I did what I did with the best of intentions. In many cases, my actions were borne out of love. And yet, my actions were not ‘good’ for me. They did not support me; they were not grounding. And they did not work, in that they did not result in the reality I was trying to create. I think the key to this is exactly that: reality. There is what I wanted and there is what actually was.
If I find the courage to really see the truth of my actions, perhaps the only ‘doing’ required is to acknowledge and accept what is. I tried and I failed. I did my best and it wasn’t enough. Profoundly disappointing, undoubtedly sad, and nevertheless true. And if I can accept this, maybe ‘acceptance’ equals ‘letting go’. Maybe all self-forgiveness really is, is the ability to release ourselves from our failures by acknowledging what actually happened - what is - with kindness. And doesn’t forgiving ourselves create the space for something new? After all, it’s only when I choose to relax my hand that it’s possible for me to receive.
What do you think? I’d love to hear what self-forgiveness means to you - please consider commenting below.